the big green Wall

Dear dairy Diary,

What would you do if your Mom (in full Troll battle armor) tried to save you against an evil spellcaster Troll, and you yelled something out so your Mom wouldn't slash your friends (who happen to be Skyling hawks), and the evil spellcaster Troll threw her off?

I'll tell you what I did... I whistled for my hawk friend Scree who held my sword Glammergring by his talon, then I cut myself free from the telephone cable snakes holding me down...

Scree and me worked up a shotgun -- the huge hawk picked me up and rocketed me right at the evil spellcaster Troll. Yeah, that evil Troll was about to do a number on my Mom so I aimed Glammergring right for her eye (one of the few vulnerable parts of a Troll)

Just as my point was about to sink deep into that evil Troll's eye (okay, she was a woman Troll but they're even fiercer than the men), a big green spell wall popped up -- bouncing Scree and me off.

Next thing I know, me and Scree are flung to the ground and Glammergring is nowhere to be found, again.

Worst thing is, my Mom was the one who cast the spell...

Troll Mom in battle armor

Dear dairy Diary,

I couldn't escape.

Enchanted telephone cable snakes held down my legs, while the evil spellcaster Troll raised her mace to punish me once and for all. Guess she wasn't thrilled with me slashing her leg open with my sword, Glammergring. Too bad I didn't have Glammergring now.

Turns out I had something better--

My Mom in full Troll battle armor, laying a WWF-style beat down on the spellcaster. I thought Grundlebrun was scary when I got in the way of him trying to kill my goblin friend... well, this was beyond scary.

Yeah, now that I was pretty sure I was going to live through this battle, I made a mental note never to disobey my Mom again.

the consequences could be scary.

Then, my Mom got distracted by the hawks who were coming to help her-- my Mom thought the hawks were attacking her. She was going to hit Scree with her throwing blades.

I cried out "Mom, no."

That's when the spellcaster threw my Mom off...

Battle at the bridge

Dear dairy Diary,

Trolls live under the Queensboro Bridge.

Four of the Trolls in battle armor are protecting a female Troll in the middle. She is casting a spell. They are surrounded by this weird pale light.

It's so dark and foggy, I can barely see around the Trolls.

Lightning flashes -- I hear Scuttlegrum's voice. He hurls his spear right into a Troll's eye. These little goblins are not afraid. I feel a whole lot braver now.

Attack, says Scuttlegrum, before the spellcaster completes her spell.

Too late.

A wave of water charged with lightning strikes the goblins, scattering them. The hawks are pummeled by what looks like a small tornado. Two rusted out cars become Tumults with razor sharp ridges and metal pincers for mouths.

My friends are going to die.

with a battle cry worthy of a Troll (a small, humanish Troll), I run past the blinded Troll guard and strike the spellcaster's leg with Glammergring. Violet blood spurts out. The lightning strikes and tornado stop.

Another Troll attacks me. Scree flies right into his face, tearing out his eye. I hurl Glammergring at the Troll's head. It sticks into his other eye. Scree grabs my sword and pulls it out. He's wheeling around to bring it back to me, when the Tumults sit back on their hind legs and spew out shards of metal. Scree warns the other hawks -- they barely escape. He still has my sword.

The spellcaster takes her mace off her belt and comes after me. I try to run, but telephone cable snakes have grabbed hold of my legs.

"Jason Blaine Grimmelstone," says the spellcaster. "You will be punished."

She raises her mace...

Through the Rabbit Hole

Dear dairy Diary,

So Budgie found my sword, Glammergring, in Central Park after the battle.

He wanted to keep it for himself.

I told him about the prophecy -- saving the world and all that. True to Budgie, he was no longer very interested (that's why he's my bestie, I can always count on Budgie to be Budgie).

What to do with the sword?

On the way to his apartment, the doorman tries to shove us into the elevator. Budgie falls in -- I shove Glammergring right into the doorman's gut and he turns into smoke. More of the spellcaster's work. The elevator doors open -- Budgie is gone.

Back to Central Park -- where are all my friends? Scuttlegrum and his goblins, Scree and his Skyling hawks. Heck, even the statues weren't moving (not that I ever wanted to meet a Tumult again, or a Torrent). That's it -- time for an improvised half-English, half-Trollish spell under the bridge...

WHAMO -- through the Rabbit Hole.

I'm following this red light. Sounds of battle from the other end. (Terrible stench, btw).

Where did I come out?

A bridge. The Queensborough bridge.

The sky is dark -- lightning strikes. Between the flashes, I see hawks circling an old brick building under the bridge.

A Troll roars.

It's nobody from my family...

Budgie is gone

Dear Dairy Diary,

How come I never thought that asking my friends to help would be putting them in tremendous danger?

Budgie, my best friend, found the sword I lost in Central Park. Turns out he wanted to keep Glammergring for himself. I mean, we share a lot (including colds :) but as far as I knew, that sword was meant for me. At least, according to prophecy as told by Scuttlegrum the goblin leader.

Well, I measured Budgie's left arm (he's a leftie, I'm a rightie) just like Scuttlegrum had measured mine -- They are the same length, my arm and Budgie's. And I had to admit, Budgie looked much more the dashing hero wielding Glammergring than I did.

If the sword fit both of us and only one was meant to carry it -- well, we really needed to get some clarification from Scuttlegrum.

We went to the castle in Central Park but the passageway was nowhere to be found. Next, the Skyling hawks' Schooling Tree was empty. My last resort was the bridge by the fountain. I couldn't find the secret switch to unlock the entrance into the goblin tunnels.

No passageway, no entrance, no Scuttlegrum (or Crumblebum or Fingolgriffin) or Scree the Skyling hawk.

Budgie suggested I hide the sword at my house. I didn't want to take the chance my parents would find it (or sense it -- after all, the sword was Trollish), so I thought Budgie's apartment would be the better choice. His Dad was rarely at home and there was a doorman.

Where was our regular doorman?

Also, the elevator wasn't working. This new doorman finally came out and pushed the button for us. When the elevator door opened, he tried to shove us both in. Budgie fell forward into the elevator. I threw the towel off Glammergring and let this bogus doorman have it right in the gut.

The bogus doorman started to shake and shiver. Then, he turned into smoke and vanished -- leaving behind a very smelly red doorman outfit.

I pushed the elevator button. The elevator hadn't gone to any other floors.

When the elevator doors opened, Budgie was gone.

Off with His head!

Dear dairy diary,

I'm under a Spell of Containment, which is kind of like the electronic leash for dogs. I go past a certain point, I get stopped. Guess my Mom figured that containing me was more of a sure thing than spelling the whole house.

My Mom is right.

She also happens to be a Troll spellcaster, and a very good one. I'm her adopted son, human, but still susceptible to her spells.

So how do I get out of the house and find my sword, Glammergring? What does any 10-year old boy do in a situation like this.

Ask his older brother.

Except my older brother's also a Troll. He doesn't believe in goblins or prophecies or the end of the world. Nope, Grundlebrun believes in the Pink Floyd, Jefferson Airplane and Janis Joplin. He's somewhat of a throwback, I guess.

Well, I managed to convince Grundlebrun that I needed to get back to Central Park. So he shows me this trick he used to do when Mom cast the Spell of Containment on him. (Grundlebrun liked to wander up Riverside Drive as a kid and stop traffic) Just think of nothing. Did you ever try to think of nothing? Yeah, it's not that easy.

But I did it. Well, did nothing.

I got to Central Park and Budgie met me there. He's my best friend -- he was with me on the night of the Battle of Central Park. So I tell him I'm looking for a stone sword, which I dropped after Alice the statue blasted me with fire by the castle.

Budgie has the sword! In his apartment, no less.

So we get there and Budgie says... finders keepers.

Finders keepers?

OFF WITH HIS HEAD!

Grounded for Life

Dear dairy Diary,

If your parents caught you sneaking out of the house to battle living statues in Central Park controlled by an evil spellcaster, would they ground you for life?

Mine did.

I'm also expelled from Westwood Academy (thanks to an epic battle trashing the girl's bathroom and pool area), confined to the house (fixed up by Grumplefuss after the Tumult ship crane incident), and forbidden from talking to any of my friends -- and this includes texting, emailing, skyping, pinging, tagging, or Facebooking and it especially includes Budgie, my bestie of the besties.

At least my tutor, Professor Box, understands my situation. Maybe too much -- the professor is coming very close to deducing the existence of goblins in Central Park. Who knows what he thinks about my parents.

Professor Box claims the Lenape Indians who lived on Manhattan knew about strange creatures created by the evil Manito, according to the famous Walam Olum (which Budgie once told me was a hoax). Well, hoax or not, the Walam Olum is pretty darn close to the reality I know of Trolls and goblins and evil spellcasters.

I really blew the professor's mind when I argued that since the strange creatures were here first, maybe we were the evil ones (at least, to them).

One thing for sure, I had to get out somehow or get word to Budgie to find Glammergring, the magical sword I'd left in Central Park when me and Crumblebum got chased by Alice the fire-breathing Jabberwock Tumult statue.

Well, life is a very long time... and something told me the Phantom Spellcaster wasn't going to give up.

Well, neither was I.

Explain this creature

Dear dairy diary,

Me and Crumblebum, the goblin, made it out of the Vault beneath Central Park.

Barely.

We left behind the possessed statue of Alice in Wonderland, now a fire-breathing jabberwock of a little girl. Did I mention she wanted me dead? Yeah, most girls I knew were like that. Especially ones controlled by the Phantom Spellcaster.

So when me and Crumblebum decided to hide out at IMAX (I had to swat Crumblebum in the arse with Glammergring to break the spell keeping him in Central Park), guess who decided to crash?

Alice.

Guess who lost their magical sword, Glammergring?

Me.

Not looking very good, until Grundlebrun pulled up in the limo, ripped a lamppost out of the sidewalk and used Alice's head for batting practice -- then he saw Crumblebum and attacked. (they tried to warn me how much Trolls hated goblins)

Guess who almost got their head split in two by his own brother?

Me again.

But I couldn't let my brother (who btw didn't even believe in goblins) turn Crumblebum into goblin jelly...

Explain this creature, said my brother Grundlebrun (which is kind of funny coming from a Troll)

By the look in Grundlebrun's eyes-- pure hatred-- somehow I didn't think my explanations would help...

Along came Alice

Dear dairy diary,

Finally I got my friends believing that maybe Trolls weren't so bad after all (okay, I threatened never to use the sword Glammergring again, which was the only slim chance we had--according to prophecy--of saving the world).

yeah, that's me. jarrett blaine grimmelstone. 3rd grader. adopted by Trolls. World saver (in training).

Scuttlegrum, the goblin leader who saved my life, warned me that my parents might not have the same feelings towards them. Heck, I'm thinking we have a big cookout (once Grumplefuss repairs the big gaping holes in the house made by the Tumult cargo ship), toast some marshmallows and wienies and sing Kumbaya.

Plus, Crumblebum and his goblin guard (what's left of them) are no longer ghasts, thanks to my brand new sword Glammergring. All we have to do now is find that evil spellcaster before any more terrible creatures come after us.

Just then, something smashed down the Vault door-- which was pure iron and spell-locked.

Yup, it was all going so good, then along came Alice.

Alice in Wonderland, that is. Well, her statue. We all thought it was another Tumult. Fine, the goblins get her down with their nets and ropes and I give her a whack with the magic sword. Booyah.

Then she opened her mouth...And scorching fire came out.

How do I know the fire was scorching?

I got scorched.

Crumblebum did manage to get Alice trapped under the goblins' super-strong nets and ropes. That is, until Alice's head popped out like a balloon in the Macy's Day Parade. Guess who she looked at first?

Yeah, I got scorched again.

But Crumblebum and me made it out. I even managed to turn The Mad Hatter and Cheshire Cat back into statues. Aside from the screeching bats at the Central Park castle, we thought we had it made.

Along came Alice.

The kid with the Golden Arm

Dear dairy diary,

Why is it that everyone wants to keep me locked up or locked out? My parents (who are Trolls, btw -- I'm a human they adopted), my school--the Westwood Academy (Principal Tummler expelled me), and now my newest friends, the goblin Scuttlegrum and Skyling hawk Scree.

For my own protection.

Right.

i just saved their lives with a stone sword -- a Troll sword no less -- called Glammergring, which breaks all spells (including the evil spells that created the living statues possessed by Tumults and the zombie goblins called ghasts trying to kill us -- who almost succeeded.)

then I tell everyone the truth about who I am and my family being Trolls. What do they say? We hate Trolls... we can't be friends with Trolls...

They also tell me prophecy says the world is coming to an end and we must all come together...

So-- WAKE UP, LOSERS.

Troll, goblin, Skyling hawk, human.

It's our world. Are we going to fight for it...

Or keep fighting each other?

Who's Glammergring?

Deary Dairy diary,

Just before Crumblebum attacked, I learned that our only hope was Glammergring.

You see, Crumblebum the goblin was now a ghast thanks to the deadly spellcaster hunting me and my Troll family down (I'm a human boy adopted by Trolls). What's a ghast? Well, they can't be killed for one thing.

But they could kill you.

And we're trapped inside the Vault of Holding underneath Central Park with Crumblebum and his ghast guards.

Who's we?

Scuttlegrum, leader of the goblins living in Central Park -- Scree the Skyling hawk, leader of the hawks in Central Park, some goblin soldiers and me, Jarrett Blaine Grimmelstone. yeah, i'm the only human one here.

Lucky me.

Doesn't matter, because if we don't get out of here, the ghasts will kill us all -- human, goblin and hawk.

Sucks.

Crumblebum almost put his spear right through Scuttlegrum. If it wasn't for Scree attacking from above, my goblin friend would be dead right now. If it wasn't for Scree and Scuttlegrum, I'd be dead right now.

Guess that makes us besties.

What am I going to tell Budgie, June, and Becca? Forget about Nicole, she freaked out when she saw my snardvark Woolly.

OMG -- Scree got speared in his wing!

Scuttelgrum just told me I have to get Glammergring. it's our only hope.

But who's Glammergring?

Crumblebum the ghast

Dear Dairy Diary,

We are inside the goblin's Vault of Holding. I'm standing here with Scuttlegrum, leader of the goblins, by my side and Scree, a very large (and heavy) Skyling hawk on my shoulder.

All the time we moved through the dark tunnels, I wondered where Crumblebum, the shortest goblin, had been while the rest of us were dealing with the living statues of Central Park -- possessed by Tumults.

Now I knew.

Crumblebum was guarding the Vault of Holding with a company of goblins -- except they were all pale white with blank expressions. I wanted to greet Crumblebum but Scuttlegrum stopped me. He ordered us to be quiet and move back one step at a time, very slowly.

Scree says Crumblebum and the goblin guard have become ghasts, which he explained were gaunts under a powerful spell.

Not that Scree's explanation helped much.

Crumblebum just looks kind of like a statue -- seems that here in Central Park the statues come to life and the living beings become like statues. I really felt bad for Crumblebum. Despite his homicidal tendencies, Crumblebum really treated me pretty well. Yet another reason to stop this deadly spellcaster.

We took our first step back. Nothing happened.

I'd like to tell Scree to find somebody else to perch on, but there's no way he's perching on a goblin. Okay, I'll just keep texting to my blog because no one can hear me (and I feel a little less creeped out).

Scuttlegrum ordered us to take another step back.

Here goes... no reaction from Crumblebum and the other ghasts.

One more step.

The stone door slammed behind us, echoing through the vault.

Oh, no... Crumblebum is raising his spear. If he wasn't under the control of a mysterious and deadly spellcaster, I'd say Crumblebum was getting ready to lead a marching band.

We got the order from Scuttlegrum to prepare arms. Since I don't have a weapon, I'm going to keep texting.

That's just when Crumblebum and his guard attacked.

Down to the vaults

Dear Dairy diary,

Good news is, I finally got Scree, the hawklord and Scuttlegrum the goblin leader to stop fighting (well, it was probably the twelve living statues possessed by Tumults coming toward us that had the last word).

Bad news -- Scuttlegrum wanted us to go into the secret tunnel under a bridge in Central Park... the one by the water fountain.

I'm a pretty big fan of bridges (considering me and the Troll family who adopted me live under one - the George Washington Bridge), but not a big fan of dark, scary tunnels. Now I was the one who had no choice. So into the tunnels we went... even Scree, without the rest of his hawk fighters. He was a very brave hawk, even if he was kind of annoying.

The deeper we went, the darker it got. Of course, Scuttlegrum and Scree had no problems seeing in the darkness -- which gave them more cause to make fun of me for being an "overspoiled human boy." Oh, add "good-for-nothing" as Scuttlegrum's contribution to my description.

Except now I was apparently good for something. Good enough that hawks and goblins would band together (instead of hunt each other) to save me.

Okay, that did make me feel kind of special.

They wouldn't tell me why they saved me. Very annoying. When they started making jokes about humans tightrope walking over the Great Abyss and getting hit by Mack trucks crossing the road, I put my foot down.

Not that it mattered much... i'll have to think up some really good jokes about goblins and hawks once inanimate objects stop trying to kill me.

Anyway, we finally reached wherever it was Scuttlegrum was taking me. Turns out to be this chamber very much like our Vault of Holding in the basement. Actually, exactly alike. When Scuttegrum gave the code to open the door, golden light poured out. They had some sort of glowing globes in the Vault which weren't connected to any kind of light sockets.

A whole bunch of goblin warriors were inside the Vault, guarding it. Crumblebum, the short goblin who almost took my head off with his bare hands the first time we met, was leading the company.

You know, I almost missed that little homicidal goblin. I was actually pretty glad to see Crumblebum, until I noticed how pale he was and what a strange blank look he had in his eyes.

Scuttlegrum said his guardian goblins had been changed into ghasts.

I asked him what that meant and Scuttlegrum replied that I didn't want to know...

Too late.

The enemy of my friend is still my frenemy

Dear Dairy Diary,

What do Army men, Christopher Columbus, some guy in tights I’m pretty sure is William Shakespeare, a horseman, two very large eagles and Balto the sled dog have in common?

They're all living statues in Central Park possessed by Tumults -- and they're all coming to kill me.

Well, not just me. My friends the Skyling hawks and even the goblins (who seem to think I'm some sort of hero or prophet or something).

I figure I should text this to my blog before the living statues reach us. How poopy is it to be killed by Balto the sled dog? I mean, man's best friend... right? Well, right now Balto's got blazing red eyes and a stone jaw filled with sharp teeth about to do some real damage... on us.

At least Scree the hawklord and Scuttlegrum the goblin leader have stopped fighting. We're all standing together.

Scuttlegrum says he wants to take me out of here. Scree agrees, but wants me to go with his hawks.

Come on guys, those lousy Tumults are picking up speed.

Trust me, Scuttlegrum says. Scree laughs his horrible hawk laugh.
(goblins and hawks, you see, under any other circumstances would be hunting each other to the death)

Finally I have to step in. Guys... well goblins and hawks... do we really have a choice?

Hawks can be annoying

Dear Dairy Diary,

So I was sitting in this tree in Central Park with Scree and his family of talking hawks--called Skylings. Scree told me that Skyling hawk magic was very strong and not to worry about being attacked by goblins or Tumults.

Scree's magic was very strong because this was the first time I could write about my attackers -- they're called Tumults, terrible spirits taking over inanimate objects like toilet brushes and popcorn tubs and statues. the Tumults are controlled by this mysterious and powerful spellcaster who wants me and my family dead.

While Scree was going on about what a crying shame it was that my family didn't teach me how to climb trees or stay out of Trollish and Gobling business (well, the Trollish part I can't help and the goblins attacked me), I'm pretty sure I saw the creepy statue of horseman with two upraised swords move.

Scree said it was impossible, not while the Schooling Tree was protected by the magic of the Greenwise Deep.

Well, the stone horseman moved again.

Scree cried out and at least a dozen dark shapes took flight from the tree. The hawks flew right at the face of the statue. Unfortunately, the stone horseman was excellent with his swords--keeping the hawks at bay while it rode toward the tree.

Not looking good at all.

Scree told me to stay in the tree. He flew at the stone horseman's face. One of the swords caught Scree with the flat part of the blade, knocking the hawk to the ground.

I climbed down the tree much quicker than my climb up and yelled at the stone horseman. Scree may be annoying, but he saved me from the goblins.

My plan worked, because the stone horseman forgot about Scree and came galloping after me. Lousy Tumults get faster the longer they took over an object. The stone horseman pointed one sword at me and raised the other to pretty much take my head off. Scree was out of commission and his hawks were circling in for another attack.

Just then I heard something coming down the path. A bunch of goblins, armed for battle, were heading straight toward us.

Scuttlegrum, the goblin who had measured my arm, was leading them.

"Save the boy," cried Scuttlegrum, which was very strange because only about half an hour ago he wanted to make a raincoat out of me. But I'll take any help right now.

Only problem-- chasing the goblins was an army of living statues... Tumults..

Goblins

Dear Dairy Diary,

Okay, I barely escaped another attack at the Lincoln Square IMAX of all places. Apparently, XXXXXXX have no respect for cinema. (that's what June calls movies... the cinema... very fancy).

Also had to get away from Budgie the snitch who called up my big brother Grundlebrun. I know Budgie's trying to look out for me... but I thought we had a plan. Well, an idea for a plan. Okay, it was just a movie night... but we were definitely working on a plan during the previews.

Oh, and Goblins are real. They're about my sized and green and very, very nasty.

How do I know?

Because i'm hiding from them right now in a tree. You know what else lives in this tree? A family of hawks. That's right.

Guess what, hawks hate Goblins almost as much as Trolls do.

Only problem is, the tree's pretty close to this big creepy statue of some guy on a horse with two swords held up.

Wait a minute, did that horse just move?.....

Escape to Central Park

Dear Dairy Diary,

I'm writing this from Budgie's apartment near Columbus Circle. Our invisible house (not anymore) got attacked by some crazy cargo boat in the Hudson River -- blasted holes in the walls with its cranes. Good news is, I got out and took a cab to Budgie's.

Budgie wanted to call Grundlebrun, my older brother, since my parents are away. I said Budgie when did you go goody two shoes all of the sudden. We have to find this dangerous spellcaster ourselves.

Let's go see Megamind in 3D and make up a plan, said Budgie. It's playing at the Lincoln Square IMAX. Great idea... but I think Budgie's just stalling .

During the movie (AWESOME), a bunch of XXXXXX XXXXX came together and attacked me and Budgie. All the kids screamed. Turns out Budgie had called Grundlebrun when he pretended to go to the bathroom, so I run down the 4 flights of escalators with the XXXXXX XXXX right behind me -- got to the street & hid behind some trash containers... the XXXXXX XXXX went right by me. Then I ran right into Central Park.

My parents warned me never to go into Central Park, but they wouldn't say why. I bugged Grundelbrun until he told me it's because Goblins live in Central Park. You see, Goblins and Trolls are natural enemies... sort of like cats and dogs only worse.

Much worse.

Grundlebrun said it was an Old Troll's tale, so he didn't really believe it.

That's when I heard a strange noise...

Release the Kraken

Dear Dairy Diary,

Grundlebrun found out I had my bestys eating pizza in the Fun Room downstairs -- after Nicole screamed. Yeah, it was Woolly, my snardvark, sleeping on the shag fur couch when he wasn't supposed to. I guess Nicole got too close and when the lights went off...

{scream}

So Grundelbrun took everyone home in the limo (he likes to ride up front with Ali Kazam, our driver) and made sure I didn't leave the house. (actually, I couldn't leave the house because of my Mom's Spell of Containment. I tried to sneak out as Grundelbrun was leaving and ran straight into the Spell like it was a force wall or something. There goes my theory about open doors... Also, my nose hurts...)

Nothing much to do, I'm in my room looking out the window at the Hudson River. There's a big barge going by with cranes on it, all lit up with sickly green lights. I had this funny thought that the phantom spellcaster/notewriter was standing somewhere on the Jersey Palisades across the way saying "Release the Kraken."

Ha, ha.

Hey, that big barge is coming awfully close to the shore. The cranes have these big cast iron weights hanging from them. Usually, barges don't travel at night. They anchor in the River and leave the next day.

Wait, the cranes are moving up and back... almost like catapults or fishing rods or something.

Oh, no--the cranes snapped forward and the cast iron weights are headed straight for the house... STRAIGHT FOR MY WINDOW.

Ali Kazam, Ali Kazam

Dear Dairy Diary,

First night of house arrest... it's just me and my big brother Grundlebrun. He's supposed to be watching me like a gryphon but really he just wants to listen to his new records, especially Little Feet.

I need to talk to Budgie, June and Becca so they can keep looking for that note and for whoever sent it. Tough for me now that I cant leave the house--my Mom cast a Spell of Confinement. (Troll spellcasters are usually females -- Troll men don't have the patience.)

Now I really can't leave unless the house falls down... and it's made of granite.

Well Grundlebrun is hungry... I say let's order some pizza because all we have is chocolate covered bugs in the fridge. Luckily pizza is Grundlebrun's favorite food (like I said before, I'm the one who likes Troll-food).

Problem is--with our house being invisible and all, we can't just have it delivered (although Grundlebrun and I did that once as a joke and we felt so bad for the pizza delivery guy we gave him all our birthday money).

Luckily, we have a custom built double-tall limo and a round-the-clock chauffeur--Majawan Ali Sufiiyat Darveesh. But I call him Ali Kazam, because when I was a kid I couldn't pronounce his name. I even made up a rhyme -- "Ali Kazam, Ali Kazam, here I am, here I am." No matter where we were, Ali Kazam would always come pick us up.

Grundelbrun let me use his cell phone, as long as I didn't call Budgie or the other musketeers. Instead, I called Ali Kazam and asked him to pick up Budgie, June and Becca along with pizza from Angelo's.

Since Ali Kazam knows all, he asks me if I'm allowed to have my friends over. I told Ali Kazam the truth -- that they really weren't allowed to see me (no use lying to Ali Kazam) but I said it was really important.

So Ali Kazam did it. Yeah, he rules :)

I took Grundlebrun's two pies up to his room and came back downstairs for my own pizza party with my bestys in the Fun Room. Best of all, Becca brought Nicole Poullette!

Okay, me, Budgie and June could talk about what happened with each other, but the spell stopped us from telling Becca and Nicole. Now Becca (being Becca) was willing to do whatever we needed, but Nicole didn't really know us so she wasn't sure about sneaking around Westwood Academy looking for clues, especially since that's what helped get me expelled.

Then the lights went out and Nicole screamed.

Grundlebrun came running downstairs...

under House arrest

Dear Dairy Diary,

Everything worked perfectly -- Woolly my snardvark snuck past the shrieking gagglewort into the Vault of Holding, got the Grimmelstone Grimoire, and brought it up to the kitchen.

Except, when I turned around to feed Woolly his choco bugs, the Grimoire disappeared. Worse, my Mom came home.

Now I can't leave the house, like ever... for my own safety. Guess they think I'm going to trash another girl's bathroom or something. Anyway, I'm thinking of growing long blonde hair and throwing it off my terrace. Except I'd probably be rescued by some lame hero instead of Nicole Poullette.

They took my cell phone and Macbook away, so I can't call Budgie or June... or especially Becca -- she's got Nicole's cell phone number.

Good news is, I think my Mom suspects something... because her and Grumplefuss are going to find some answers--but they won't tell me where. Grundlebrun, my older brother, says it's because only Trolls can go there. Funny thing is, I'm the only one in the house who ever listens to Troll music or reads the old classics in Trollish. My gracklewing soup is even better than my Mom's.

So how come they treat me like such a human?

Am i prejudiced?

Dear Dairy Diary,

If I can somehow get past the Shrieking Gagglewort plant that guards the Vault of Holding (what is it holding? -- the Grimmelstone Grimoire -- our family's book of spells, histories, and secret recipes like bragglewing tea cakes), maybe just maybe I can show my Mom and Grumplefuss the page with the XXXXXXXX, so they can see I am under a spell.

Who scratches on my door but Woolly, my pet snardvark, looking for some attention. With all the excitement, I haven't had much time for Woolly -- but here he is jumping on my bed (he's not supposed to).

Woolly loves to play games, so I tell him let's play a game called get the Grimoire out of the Vault of Holding. Woolly's very smart--he lays down and puts his paws over his ears but I persuade him by promising some of my Mom's chocolate covered bugs -- which she keeps in the fridge.

We're just about to go down to the basement when Budgie calls. He wants me to come over and watch How to Train Your Dragon and eat hot buttered toffee popcorn. I say Budgie we almost got killed and I'm expelled from Westwood Academy -- so he says why should that break up our movie night.

Budgie's got a point except I'm now forbidden to see him again.

Run away from home and live with him--was Budgie's solution. Only problem is, I don't want to run away from home or live with humans...Even my best friend. I know I am a human, but I prefer to be with Trolls.

Does that make me prejudiced?

Fi Fie Fo fum - let me in2 ur Academy

Dear Dairy Diary,

Well, it's official. I've been expelled from Westwood Academy. Budgie and June aren't allowed to talk to me -- my parents think they should've taken some responsibility for the $50,000 worth of damage. That's right, $50,000... the high cost of a life and death battle with a XXXXXXX and a bunch of XXXXXXXX.

I thought maybe the Spell would wear off, but it hasn't.

What makes me mad is my Great Grand Grumplefuss paid for the damages... every penny. So Principal Tummler took his money and still wouldn't let me back in. Times like these when I wish the stories about giant Trolls eating humans were true (they mostly aren't).

Fi Fie Fo Fum, i smell the blood of a principal. Be he alive or be he dead, I'll grind his bones to make pickled herring. or Something like that :)

Except I'd be afraid Principal Tummler would give Grumpefuss indigestion, or worse... gas.

Whenever my brother Grundlebrun lets one go he calls it the gift that keeps on giving. So I can imagine Budgie comes over talking about how Principal Tummler went missing -- then he catches a whiff and says ewww what's that. I say, it's the gift that keeps on giving. ha, ha.

Anyway, Grumplefuss was pretty upset with Principal Tummler - I wouldn't want to have been Principal Tummler at that meeting -- Good news is even though I can't go back to Westwood Academy, I'm getting this tutor, a new teacher at school named Professor Adolphus Box. Principal Tummler is even paying for it himself. Ha, ha, I bet my Grumplefuss made the principal soil his shorts. (Grundlebrun also does that to people who make fun of him or try to take advantage because they think he's dumb).

Today I'm going to find a way to take the Grimmelstone Grimoire out of the Chamber Room and show Mom and Grumplefuss the page with the XXXXXXXXXXX. After my parents grind my bones to make their bread :O, maybe they'll realize I'm under a spell.

Wait, Budgie is calling my phone...

the Spell of Subterfuge

Dear Diary,

I need to explain why my words keep getting crossed out. Now I'm thinking that if I don't make it... if my family is hunted down and punished by the XXXXXXXX, then someone has to know what happened.

Since I can't write about it directly (believe me, I tried. Just go back and look at all my crossed out words), I'll tell you as much as I can without telling you anything... if you know what I mean.

First off, Trolls are spellcasters. Most trolls only know a few spells...lighting the kitchen fire, cave glow, spider climb and things of that nature. A few trolls know some advanced spells, such as my Mom. She can cast a feather float spell like the one on my Soren owl costume, or a Spell of Subterfuge like the one that keeps our house hidden from outsiders.

I'm not supposed to know about all this Troll stuff, mainly because I think the Grumplefuss wants to protect me. After all, Trolls have always been the bad guys in childrens books and fairy tales. You know that.

But once I snuck a peak in the Grimmelstone Grimoire-- that's the history of our family including all of our special spells and recipes (there's some really great ones for grackleberry cookies and puddlewort cake btw). Anyway, I didn't have much time so the only I read about was the Seven Deadly Spells. Troll magic of such power that only a few spellcasters even knew what these Spells were. My Mom had written a note that each spell could be used for good or evil and the Grimmelstone's only knew the good versions.

the Spell of Subterfuge was the first of the Seven Deadly Spells. It prevents objects from being seen, but also stops you if you try to tell someone or write about what you've seen. This way, creatures with bad intent can't get caught and their victims can't escape.

I won't even mention the rest of the Seven Deadly Spells because they're too dangerous, especially now. You see, Trollish spellcasters know something even human wizards, witches and warlocks don't--spells have a life of their own.
When you cast a spell, it becomes something--like something being born. That's what my Mom taught me.

that's why good spells should never be cast lightly. And bad ones...

I'm going to be expelled

Dear Diary, (no joke this time)

All the damage caused by the battle between XXXX and XXXX and my rescue of the XXXXX is being blamed on me. It is my fault because I didn't want Budgie or June to take any of the blame (bad enough they almost got .... you know, killed).

I thought my Mom would understand, but this spell of subterfuge (XXXX told me about how it works after he got blinded by the XXXXX) really keeps me from spilling the beans. I can only hope XXXX keeps his word about protecting my family with the XXXXXX.

You might wonder where I was yesterday. Well... I tried to go back to the Old Country. That's where my family is from. They don't talk about it much.

XXXX wants to go back to the Old Country to try and heal his eyesight. XXXX doesn't look like a troll at all, but XXXX is definitely NOT human.

Not only is a very powerful and dangerous spellcaster involved (who XXXX can't reveal because of the spell of subterfuge on all of us), but somehow I think the spellcaster is from the Old Country. I managed to follow where XXXX went and I wound up in this really strange and dangerous In-Between place. I don't think it was the Old Country, at least not the way the Great Grand Grumplefuss described it -- but the In-Between was definitely magical and very trollish.

I don't know if I can find that place again, but the Old Country holds the key to saving my family.

Also, a word to the wise--avoid mirrors from now on.

How about a cupcake instead

Dear Dairy Diary :)

Things were looking very dire (that's a vocabulary word) for me, Budgie and June in the girl's bathroom--June told us it was a shortcut out of school, promise :O --Well, we had to get out of there because the XXXXXX was pretty much going to tear us to shreds. We actually used this cross over exercise we learned in gym class (who ever thought) to escape the XXXXXXX and lead it down to the Janitor's office to battle the XXXXXXX.

Finally, we could get to the janitor's trash bin to see if he swept up the note. Drafflebats, no such luck.

All seemed hopeless and I had to meet with Principal Tummler (and somehow not laugh because he had rabbit-fur legs and no pants on). Budgie says we might as well have lunch first. So June buys me this cupcake in sympathy for me having to write a thousand times on the blackboard.

I was totally ready to scarf that cupcake down, when I noticed someone had written in blood red frosting-- JBG must be punish__ (there wasn't any room for ed.

JBG = Jarrett Blaine Grimmelstone

PROOF!

I took that cupcake straight down to Principal Tummler's office -- much as I wanted to eat it... and he said XXXXXXXXXXXXX.

Deadline: tommorrow

Principal Tummler called me into the office -- I tried to tell him about the note but I couldn't find it. Maybe the note dropped out of my pocket, I don't know. So the principal gave me until Friday to come up with the note or else... write a thousand times on the blackboard--I will not violate the privacy of my fellow students and teacher. Okay, so we searched the classroom... uh, and the teacher's desk.

Nobody told Miss Thespit to write mean things about her students!

Budgie, June and me went down to the Janitor's office to see if he swept up the note. We found the Janitor and his army of XXXXXXX -- which he sent after us! Something very strange is going on, I can't write anything at all about XXXXXX, and when I tried to tell my Mom, the words wouldn't come out. When i tried to tell the Great Grand Grumplefuss, a lie came out. Do you know what happens to people who lie to the Great Grand Grumplefuss? Have you ever seen someone shot out of a cannon? Imagine being that person, except without the cannon.

It's thursday and i have no proof and someone (very dangerous) who knows magic wants to punish my family. Already they've attacked me and my friends.

Who's next?

A mysterious note

At school today someone passed me a note when I wasn't looking. It said the Grimmelstone Trolls would be Punished--the person cut the letters out of a magazine so I couldn't tell the handwriting. Budgie was sitting right behind me but he didn't see who passed me the note.

If anyone knows who did this, come see me at lunchtime in the cafeteria. Watch out for Mrs. Bromerhahn--she already turned us in to Principal Tummler for searching the classroom... :{

Budgie's dad makes neti tea

Dear Dairy Diary :)

Today Budgie sounded all stuffed up so Becca trieD to give him these herbs. Becca's really into plants for healing (check out constipation remedy :D and vegetarian stuff -- Budgie eats a clump of raw hamburger with Flintstones vitamins stuck in it when he feels sick.

Trolls have this brew called graquash which pretty much tastes like it sounds. Smells like pond scum too. But you know, with a little bit of licorice root it's not so bad :)

Anyway, by the end of the day Budgies nose is running like a fire hydrant.

So Becca goes into her locker and gets this box with a ceramic pot in it. She says it's a neti pot. Budgie asks if he can he make three wishes on it. Becca says she already wished he would stop making stupid remarks. No chance of that, ha, ha.

Actually, you're supposed to put saline water in the pot and pour it into your nose. yeah, I'm not kidding--that's just what Becca said.

So Becca takes Budgie into the girl's bathroom -- June Cho was guarding the door. I hear this water and then a bunch of coughing. Budgie comes out looking like he saw a ghost-- his shirt was all wet. Becca says he should be fine now so June tries to look up Budgie's nose to see if he really did sneeze his brains out.

Later that night Budgie emails me saying his dad came home from traveling and wanted some tea because he was catching a cold. Turns out Mr. Diggs made his tea in Budgie's SNOT POT!

Hair today, Gone tomorrow

Dear Dairy Diary :)

We had so much fun on Halloween -- got lots of candy. Budgie showed off his sword skills (which he learned from watching Sokka from Avatar: The Last Airbender)... June (Pocahantas) snagged some boy dressed as a pilgrim and called him John Smith, then swore her undying love to him (you should've seen him run :)

Becca was dressed as Janis Joplin -- who is the only human woman Grundlebrun, my older brother, said he wished was a Troll. Coming from Grundlebrun, that's a big compliment. Over the summer, Becca got to see Hair on Broadway with her mother. Budgie asked her if there was really naked people on stage -- she just said Budgie you're so immature. Ha ha, he is.

But I hope Nicole doesn't think I'm immature. We were going up the stairs in Becca's building and Nicole tripped. Lucky for me, my Mom had put some Trollish magic in my Soren wings-- so I actually swooped down and caught her. (okay, it wasn't exactly a swoop, and she didn't really fall). Everyone thought it was cool, though.

Nicole-- in her Katara suit-- even said she would see me tomorrow during All Saints Day celebration at school.

Well, there we were... in the assembly room dressed as our favorite Saints. Becca was Joan of Arc, Budgie was St. Paul -- patron Saint of swordsman, June is St. Valentine every year and I'm Saint Jude--Patron Saint of Lost Causes (or Losers, as Budgie likes to say).

And Nicole... never showed. Becca thought she might've gone to France with her dad. I asked Becca if Nicole had said anything about me after we left last night. Not a word. Not even about my heroic flight.

Oh, well. Hair today... gone tomorrow.